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Trying to Find Love by TB Cooper

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December 29 - January 2

Trying to Find Love: Poems & Reflections of the Love that Made Me
by T.B. Cooper

(99cents Promotion)

Poetry Memoir

82 Pages

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(FREE on KU) of course!

Back Cover:

This is my collection of "songs" that I
wrote, when music was in my heart.... Saying my early adult life was turbulent,
is a slight understatement. I had fun, I broke hearts, and I had mine broke
more than enough to compensate. Music Helped me. I'd always hoped to be a
fabulous songwriter, but as I evolved, I realized that path would've just led
me to more heartache. I grew up, and so did my way of dealing with my emotions.
Music, sadly, has left my heart. I no longer hear inspiration on the wind. Instead,
I now enjoy peace and quiet..... on a farm with a million kids and animals! But
I still remember where I came from, who I loved, and who loved me. It is to
honor their place in making me who I am, that I decided to share the
"song" and tell the story of how each "poem" came to be. I
hope you enjoy this very private peek into my heart.


I won’t make any outrageous claims to a troubled past
or anything that might excuse my behavior now, or then. I alone, know my
demons. I live today with a clear conscience knowing that every step of the
journey has been worth it. I do not hold grudges, nor do I apologize to those
who do. I regret nothing. I have fought for my happiness; friend and foe, and
worse.. myself.

I’ve been afraid of happiness. I’ve been afraid of
success. Failing was easy, but it was never an option. I am at peace with
myself, and I am LOVE incarnate. I’ve loved many, and many have loved me. With
the love, others have hated me. Let them battle their own demons.

In the following pages, I’ve collected the majority of
“songs” I’d written years ago. I say songs, only because at the time they came
into my head they came through on a melody. I had planned on becoming a
songwriter at one time in my life, but that was never my dream. So I never pursued
it. Instead, I decided a little while back that I still needed to publish them,
but as a reflection of what emotions and powers have shaped me. I added short
descriptions to these “poems” when I first started putting them all in one
place. This collection is about LOVE, and everything that goes with it.. the
searing passionate love, the torturous-I’d-rather-die-love, the despair of
never feeling it again-love. And everything in between. Some of the blurbs
attached to the poems I chose to keep the same, because they (when originally
written) showcased who I was at the time. How I felt, how I saw life. This is
after all, a deep look into my own personal journey. And if for no one else’s
understanding but mine, I chose to keep them as they were. Others, I either
re-wrote them to sound a little less offensive, or I added to them as an

I have changed the names of the people I discuss, and
some of them I discuss frequently because they were such an influence on my
life. I’ve divided this book into “Chapters” named after each of the men who’ve
accompanied me in love. Whether they ever felt the same, I do not know, nor do
I ever wish to know. Yet another reason to have changed their names.

In closing, yes, I’ve been in love many times. I’ve
loved freely, and I’ve never discriminated. I’ve had more than enough outward
confidence that I enjoyed sharing myself. And I am not ashamed. Men have
notches on their belts… I had notches on my bedposts. And I am not ashamed….
I’ve lived my way, according to my rules and my desires. I can only hope more
people can feel and say the same thing when they reflect on their pasts…

To those men that helped me find myself, I am
eternally grateful. I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my one true

Excerpt #1:
(My first love)

Prince Charming


upon a time

were the only one that I loved

were all I thought that I’d need

only one in my life

thought it would last

Charming came

make my dreams come true

I thought that he was you

how wrong could I be?

broke my heart, my soul, my dreams

put me down like I didn’t mean a thing

thought you loved me

I your everything?

said you were committed

doesn’t count if it’s not to me


“Shinning White Knights”

sweet to me

If I
could just find one right

of searching in vain

making mistakes

choosing another boy

“Life of Love” was all fake

broke my heart, my soul, my dreams

put me down like I didn’t mean a thing

thought you loved me

I your “everything”?

said you were committed

doesn’t count if it’s not to me

So at the time I wrote this, I was
pregnant with my daughter. I believe my first husband and I were separated but
trying to get back together. But I’m not sure this song was inspired by him. I
think I was upset because of him but I drew the emotions and inspiration from
my first love (Keith).

I think because of my fragile state of
being, plus having baby #2 with what was looking was going to be no father, I
think it all just made me think about those dreams I had had and what was
really going on with my life right now?

Keith was a big part of my life when I was
just turning into a woman. I gave up a lot of my happiness for his, and for him
to succeed in life. I just hope wherever he is, everything has worked out for
him. I wish him well.

Excerpt #2:
My Daddy

Daddy’s ‘lil girl


your baby girl

least that’s what you told me

I came into this world

you knew someday

grow up to spread my wings

my own eyes would have

see all of those things

you told me were wrong

that you knew best.

got your intuition

just kicked in too late

me to know what I was doing

cause you to hate

‘lil girl

said I betrayed you

you betrayed me

will never leave you”

least that’s what you told me

you’d be there forever

forever’s almost gone.

Daddy I’m still here

for the day when you realize

I’m my father’s daughter

I’ve got more than Daddy’s eyes

as stubborn as a bull

set in my ways.

missed my wedding day

made the choice to push

of give me away

missing your grandkids

boy and a girl

growing up fast

they’re my whole world

I once yours

was Daddy’s girl

I’m Daddy’s sad girl

Daddy’s sad ‘lil girl

Now, not really much of a song, per say…
I’ve over the years added, edited this song and what not… I’ve lost the
original (I think?). This is of course about my Daddy; a few days before I had
my first daughter. Last time he cared if I existed was July 23, 1996; before he
dropped me off at the hospital to have my half-black son saying he wasn’t the
father of a “Ni**er-loving whore.”

I was Daddy’s little girl. He even made a
charm for me once that

I was supposed to get when I turned
eighteen…. I’m almost

twenty-eight at this moment I’m typing…

Yeah, don’t see that happening.

Really not easy being rejected by a man.
Certainly not by your father who you feel is supposed to shelter and protect
you... No matter what. I could write more, but, there’s not much left to


This is my update.. I am 36 right now, my
dad has been gone for six years. Right before he died, my family (including my
kids) went to see him at his bedside. It was one of the single most painful
moments of my life.

I’d spent fourteen years, not seeing him,
not talking to him. Ten of those years I was mostly a single mom. A single mom
with three kids, living in the same town, at times-right down the street. I’d
gotten used to not having him in my life. I had to make my own way, and this
inevitably sent me into the arms of the next newest savior.

Then, right at the end, when his departure
from this world and my life for good was unavoidable, I had to lose him all
over again. We made peace with each other. He hugged my son. My son, who for
fourteen years could’ve learned so much from his grandpa, but he and his sisters
were denied because of a foolish man’s pride.

There was no man that had a greater
influence on my early adult life besides my Dad. Everything I did was dictated
by what was and wasn’t acceptable with him.

“Don’t date black people.”

I have two black kids.

“Blood is thicker than water, but if you
disgrace me, I disown you.”

So I left home at fifteen and at times,
only had my children for family in my life.

“Women should know their place, they
should be subservient to Man.” That was the toughest lesson to unlearn.

I’m grateful for everything,
good and bad my father taught me. I miss him terribly. I feel robbed.

T.B. Cooper
lives with her husband, four kids, a grand-baby, her mom, and her sister, on a
farm in the Nevada Desert. With farm chores, home-schooling and herds of
animals needing attention, it’s a miracle she finds anytime to write at all.
But writing has always been her passion. She’s written and construed stories,
her whole life. Now she’s jumping in with both feet into the world of social
media... publishing her thoughts on paper and her blogs, and is ready to open
the next chapter in an overwhelmingly enriched and precariously balanced life.

You can find out more by visiting her website to view her two
blogs 'A Precariously Balanced Life' and 'For all the Books I've Loved so
far...,' or to checkout her upcoming projects--including her new short story
series 'Tentaglian Empire:House of Tentagel.'

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